I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted out of transition. I wanted to feel comfortable in a body that never felt like mine. I wanted to feel confident and happy.
After my top surgery, I felt better. But I realized that my goals were achievable without starting hormones.
Transition wore me down. I didn't want to be noticed as a trans man. I didn't want to tell every person I met my pronouns. I didn't want to worry about some day getting a hysterectomy.
No amount of validation and relief from dysphoria could distract me from these anxieties. I asked myself why I'd never even considered other options.
It was because they'd never been offered to me. I was told that I had to change my body to "be myself". And I believed it.
Now I don't accept my discomfort as innate. I challenge it head-on, and I try to understand it.
I don't regret my transition, but it simply wasn't sustainable. Still, it was a step to get where I am today– and I refuse to feel ashamed for it.