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My parents never pushed me into a role. Neither because of my assigned gender nor because of my sexuality.

I also never had dysphoria regarding my menstruation or genitals, but at the end of puberty there was a feeling of strangeness towards my breasts and fear of pregnancy. I began to identify myself as nonbinary. I didn't find my breasts ugly or repulsive, I just didn't feel like they should be there. In order to reconcile myself with them I bought nice underwear and practiced body positivity, but after years of work I didn't make it.

I never wanted to take testosterone at first. Over time, a strong desire for HRT developed. I saw all the happy, attractive trans men and wanted to be like them. In addition, the path to a mastectomy with HRT is in germany much more accessible.

After starting HRT in 2017, I experienced separation from myself and developed dysphoria towards things that I had never cared about before. I put myself under a lot of pressure and started to position myself as a trans man and thought that this was my true self.

In 2018 I had a mastectomy and hysterectomy but kept my ovaries. I stopped taking my antidepressants at the same time. The combination of post-surgery depression and being without medication made me develop a heavy anxiety disorder.

At the end of January 2019, the crisis culminated in depersonalization, where I had lost all contact to myself and regretted my entire transition. I stopped HRT shortly afterwards and luckily was supported by my endocrinologist, psychiatrist and the gender-diverse community. With the weeks and months I stabilized.  The regret decreased continuously and I officially detransitioned back to nonbinary and realized that being a man feels as inauthentic to me as being a woman.

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