I went to a single-sex school where I was surrounded by only girls for 3 years. It was at the point in our lives where everyone around me was so conscious of their appearances, their clothes and how they looked to boys.
These things never concerned me and I quickly felt "separated" from others. I never "felt like" other girls. Lesbians were feared and so the thought that I could be one didn't dare cross my mind.
I despised the way boys looked at me after puberty and I covered my body as much as possible and developed an eating disorder.
Because I didn't see myself in other girls, I felt like my body was wrong. I began struggling with depression and anxiety and it was soon after this that I discovered the online trans community, who enabled my feelings of self-hatred and led me to believe that transitioning was the cure to all my problems. So I came out as FtM.
I lived as a man for almost 3 years and was referred to an adult gender clinic for HRT until I experienced an awful depressive episode and realised that transitioning had not fixed any of my problems.
I went to therapy for the first time in my life and realised that I was an autistic butch lesbian. I realised that I was never meant, or needed to "feel like" other girls and that I could be my own authentic self – and still be female.
After years of self-hatred and denial, I'm finally getting to know my autistic, masculine, female self, and I love her.
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