I'm bi, white & wore dresses & makeup but was good at sports, watched every match & if I saw a mens shirt I liked I'd wear it too. I hung out with friends from the lgbt community & attended pride, when I got into a toxic relationship with a guy my friends told me I didn't belong at LGBT places anymore as I was in a "hetero relationship" (I was welcomed back after I left him). My ex often joked my long dyed hair was a wig & yanked my hair so I cut my hair too short for him to grab until I got out safely.

Then I went through trauma again, got pregnant & the perpetrator was arrested, I gave birth & started living life under a neutral alias so I could get privacy.

I moved on but got pregnant again by a guy who drove dangerously when he was mad & 1 incident ended badly & I had a miscarriage.

I blamed myself so I hid under baggy hoodies & jeans & stopped wearing makeup.

My friends told me I looked like a boy, I looked handsome & passed well, they said this increasingly knowing I was vulnerable & hated myself for being feminine & weak thinking if I wasn't so girly men would leave me alone & stop hurting me.

My friends said maybe I was a trans & had gender dysphoria & sent posts & encouraged me to explore it as "I'd always had masculine hobbies & was like a tomboy anyway", took me men's clothes shopping, bought my binder & were supportive of it when I felt lost & alone & like they were my family & scared to lose them so for 4 years I bound my chest, dressed like a guy & practiced deepening my voice like they taught me, they encouraged me even when I said I still felt like a girl & wanted to grow my hair they always said I was just brainwashed by the cishet society.

I eventually started PTSD therapy but my therapists were more focused on my gender & encouraged my transition, then covid hit before I could start hormones, we went into lockdown, therapy went online & I couldn't see friends.

Having the distance between us I felt safe to buy dresses & makeup online to secretly wear at home & eventually I realised I was just a traumatised girl who needed proper mental health support not trans so I changed therapists who started helping me actually work on my trauma & I detransitioned.

I told my friends, they were furious & tried to persuade me I'd been brainwashed by the heteronormative society, I told my therapist who said the way they treated me was wrong & encouraged me to go no contact.

I'm now living life as my true self again & I'm happier for it.


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