I don't know wether or not other people may have considered me "trans" back then, since I never took testosterone, never had surgery or really tried to pass. But from the inside, I struggled with accepting myself as a woman.
As far as I can remember, I've always been attracted to women more than I am to men. To me, women always looked like untouchable goddesses who moved my heart and my soul with their beauty, their sensuality, their grace. I felt happy with having such a beautiful female body myself - but somehow, I didn't feel allowed to be attracted to other females. Probably because back then, the only examples of lesbian relationships I ever saw were porn imagery - so I internalized that idea of lesbians and bi women existing only as a male fantasy...
It took me years to realize it was the very root of why I identified as genderfluid: as I didn't feel allowed to love and desire women, it was more reassuring to think I was partly male. In those moments I was (unconsciously) feeling attracted to a girl, I felt "manly" and I'd dress in a butch way to fit my mood. The masculine vibes also came with depressive, self harming thoughts, which I interpreted as signs of gender dysphoria.
No surprise that I immediately identified as genderfluid the moment I first read the term!
After years of self-struggles and therapy, I was finally able to realize being bisexual. It was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
I immediately told my family and close friends, and received nothing but love and support from them. Coming out of the closet was coming to terms with myself and my identity, it was about me and my own person.
Since that day, I finally feel whole as a woman and as a person. I feel at peace. I don't feel "manly" anymore - instead, I feel I am the most accomplished version of my woman self. I am a female, I am bisexual, and I wouldn't be anything else. Being myself is the greatest blessing.
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