I transitioned at the age of 19 and lived as male for 10 years. I sought transition because I was lost, broken. I thought this is what I needed in order to flourish and progress through my life. Little did I know, this would become the most devastating and heart wrenching experience of my life. It caused my heart to ache in ways that I never thought were possible.

Transition was a means for escape from the trauma I had endured as a child. It was an aid for continuing the suppression of my hurt.

Transition preoccupied my mind and took away from the trauma, I began focusing on my body, looking for the same imperfections that my mother had found. I became consumed with thoughts of my body and sought to find a way to put an end to the constant ridicule.

I felt inadequate. That there was something wrong and shameful with who I was.

Transition seemed to be the answer to my dismay.

At the time I sought medical transition, I was convinced that this is what I needed and that it was the answer to happiness.

The further I progressed with transition, the more I became consumed with the thought of my body and the further I sank into depression. I became emotionally numb. I lost my ability to think with clarity.

I began questioning what it was that I had done when I realised I wasn’t being helped in the way I thought I would be.

Through therapy, I came to understand that I had been abused as a child and I learnt of the ways that it had affected my sense of self. I learnt of all that contributed to my decision to transition. The discomfort with my body eased, I grew into myself and for the first time in my life I began to feel alive and able to just live free of impediment.

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