I'm a 24 year old detransitioned female.
I was a tomboy growing up and aware of my attraction to other girls at an early age.
My mom remarried and I began living a nightmare of physical and sexual abuse from her new husband. I didn't know how to tell anyone and almost thought maybe it was normal. My mom was very distant emotionally and I couldn’t ever go to her without feeling annoying so I kept everything to myself. She was also very controlling, wanted me to look a certain way that felt wrong to me and be her presentable daughter. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere apart from family and anywhere else she had to be there.
I was also bullied at school for being a freak and too boyish. I was very isolated. Spent most of my time alone and in my own head. I started having terrible anxiety and dissociation from my body, developed identity disorder, an eating disorder, and eventually abused drugs. I didn’t realize why I was trying so desperately to escape myself. I just needed to create a new me.
I came out as a lesbian and started getting into androgynous fashion that I was seeing online. That was cool, except that I hated my chest. I moved and met a kid who told me I was trans. I looked it up and was like OH makes sense! I socially identified as male starting around age 15 or 16. I started hormones at 18 and had top surgery about a year and a half after. I thought I looked better as a guy, liked that I got treated better, got attention from girls, and it was like the old me has never existed.
I got really delusional and paranoid from drug use, experienced more trauma, stopped doing drugs because they were causing terrible delusions, paranoia and panic attacks. I was living a nightmare sobering up and one night while being intimate with my girlfriend I dissociated really hard and realized I didn’t want to be male. I wanted to not feel taken control of, I wanted to not feel wrong the way everyone made my existence feel.
I stopped hormones in June of 2019 after nearly 4 years on T. All of my mental health problems, trauma and drug related flashbacks have come to the surface and I’m having a really hard time dealing with them. I spent so long running from something I wasn’t even sure what it was, so much time in mentally altered states, it's like it's all catching up with me.
I’m trying to deal with a lot right now but at least I didn’t continue becoming more and more of a man that would’ve done even more damage. I'm trying to accept myself as a queer woman.
< Previous Next >
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
This website and all its images are protected by copyright. Reproducing or distributing an image or part of an image in any form or manner is illegal. They may not be published without prior permission from the founders of Post Trans.