I was a tomboy growing up and aware of my attraction to other girls at an early age.
My mom remarried and I began living a nightmare of physical and sexual abuse from her new husband. I didn't know how to tell anyone and almost thought maybe it was normal. My mom was very distant emotionally and I couldn’t ever go to her without feeling annoying so I kept everything to myself. She was also very controlling, wanted me to look a certain way that felt wrong to me and be her presentable daughter. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere apart from family and anywhere else she had to be there.
I was also bullied at school for being a freak and too boyish. I was very isolated. Spent most of my time alone and in my own head. I started having terrible anxiety and dissociation from my body, developed identity disorder, an eating disorder, and eventually abused drugs. I didn’t realize why I was trying so desperately to escape myself. I just needed to create a new me.
I came out as a lesbian and started getting into androgynous fashion that I was seeing online. That was cool, except that I hated my chest. I moved and met a kid who told me I was trans. I looked it up and was like OH makes sense! I socially identified as male starting around age 15 or 16. I started hormones at 18 and had top surgery about a year and a half after. I thought I looked better as a guy, liked that I got treated better, got attention from girls, and it was like the old me has never existed.
I got really delusional and paranoid from drug use, experienced more trauma, stopped doing drugs because they were causing terrible delusions, paranoia and panic attacks. I was living a nightmare sobering up and one night while being intimate with my girlfriend I dissociated really hard and realized I didn’t want to be male. I wanted to not feel taken control of, I wanted to not feel wrong the way everyone made my existence feel.
I stopped hormones in June of 2019 after nearly 4 years on T. All of my mental health problems, trauma and drug related flashbacks have come to the surface and I’m having a really hard time dealing with them. I spent so long running from something I wasn’t even sure what it was, so much time in mentally altered states, it's like it's all catching up with me.
I’m trying to deal with a lot right now but at least I didn’t continue becoming more and more of a man that would’ve done even more damage. I'm trying to accept myself as a queer woman.
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