I always felt different from other kids. I was selectively mute and autistic. I had a mentally ill mother and an unknown father. I never did feel like the world had a place for me.
I was a tomboy with absolutely no desire to be feminine. I preferred boys toys and desperately wanted short hair and a wardrobe full of boys clothing but I wasn't allowed to go that far.
I watched a lot of WWE* as a kid and I loved the feeling of escapism it gave me but in the 2000s wrestling was full of misogyny. The women weren't seen as equal to the men and were viewed as nothing but eye candy. I recognised this as a little girl and that's when my dysphoria began to develop.

When I was nine I wrote in my diary that I "would rather be born a boy. No reason why, I would probably suit being a boy". In my dreams I was always a boy, body included. I would blow dandelions and wish I would wake up as a boy, just like the boy I was in my dreams.

I came out as a lesbian in mid-2013 at the age of 13, cut my hair short, and then came out as trans in late 2013 (age 14). I started binding and wore only men’s clothing for the first time.
I was seen by the local gender clinic in the summer of 2014 and by the 2nd appointment, I had been prescribed Depo Provera to stop my periods. The next year, I was given the go-ahead for T and started in December 2015, age 16.
All was well until 2018. I started thinking about my fertility and decided to get fertility counselling. The counsellor told me I would have to come off T for at least a year in order to freeze my eggs and I knew I couldn't cope with that. I walked out deciding to never have biological children, age 19.

This, along with realising that transition would never make me male, caused me to regret making huge permanent decisions at a young age. I started to find online spaces for people like me who had the same thoughts and experiences. These spaces were life-saving.
Even though I still live as a male, I no longer identify as trans and I do not involve myself with the community. I still mourn my girlhood, I still wish it was a boyhood. Mourning something that wasn’t possible is hard. I want to celebrate and acknowledge the existence of that little girl, but her existence still makes me uncomfortable.
I am now 21 and I am still on T. I do not know if detransition is my answer. I feel trapped because I still live as a male and I have friends who don't know my history. I don't know what to do.

*World Wrestling Entertainment

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