From age 14 I started to feel disconnected from my body and that there was something wrong about my strong gender nonconformity. Transitioning to male seemed to be my solution after being stuck in severe depression and anxiety whilst the girls around me seemed to be so happy and content. I thought transitioning would allow me to better navigate the world and my body, I would no longer have to deal with the traumatizing bodily processes and impracticalities that come with being female, it would give me strength and control over my life, I wouldn’t have so many expectations put onto me that I didn’t want to live up to, I would look more physically attractive, I wouldn’t feel awkward and uncomfortable about having lesbian sex.
I was given blockers at 16. Testosterone at 17. A double mastectomy at 20. A year after my surgery it was like the smoke began to clear and I began to think clearly. Neither could the hormones nor any surgery ever make me male. I realised I would forever need to disclose my transition to people because despite how much I passed I was not like my male friends, I would forever be a woman. A woman who had now been altered (a reminder every time I saw my naked self). I was still alienated, depressed, anxious.
I put a stop to the injections and started to analyse my mind. I was not born wrong, I had not freed myself, I was still subconsciously trapped in the notion of gender conformity. My body is now sore, broken and disorientated. I was missing role models and a sense of community as a gender nonconforming girl. I was missing education about my female body. I was missing love and acceptance.
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