I was always a bit different from other girls my age, growing up. Not in the “I’m not like other girls - I’m cooler/special!” way, but in the autistic way. And the GNC way. And the woman-loving-woman way.

So, naturally, I felt like I had to be a boy. Especially when I hit puberty, started crushing on girls, being aroused by them, etc. I felt like a freak - rumours spread around school of me being a lesbian, I got “dyke” screamed at me in hallways. Being a boy felt “safer” to me.

So I started to transition, at age 12. I got seen at CAMHS, referred to a GIC by 15. I was suicidal and desperate - thanks to being sexually assaulted and raped numerous times in the years in between. I had undiagnosed PTSD, and they glossed past this as they gave me blockers at 17.

Thankfully, I came off blockers at 18. But a year later, I started T. My periods still came, but I had a lot of masculinising effects. My voice dropped a bit, I grew facial hair. Though, my cramps got worse with each period, and I felt like my uterus at some points was being torn apart.

Since coming off T (about a month ago as of writing this, May 2024), I’ve had cramps every day. I don’t know whether this is normal. There is no guidance for female detransitioners. At least, in my GIC there isn’t.

My ‘cis’ friends are supportive of my detransiton. I haven’t been public about it because I’m scared: a lot of my friends are trans and are deeply hateful towards detrans people. I feel at peace as a mildly GNC, hairy, men’s-clothes-wearing woman. I’ve healed a little from my rapes. I’m medicated for OCD and PTSD. I’m about to graduate uni. I feel at peace - something I thought was never possible.


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