I feel embarrassed for rejecting myself as a woman. To this day I feel anxious that I might be repressing a part of myself.
When I was a teen, I was homeless due to abuse from family. I resolved that my purpose would be to finish a bachelors degree and became emmersed in university life. I volunteered in LGBT spaces. Coming out publically as bisexual people kept asking if I was going to transition because I had short hair. I thought there was something wrong with me that I couldnt see.
I started binding and took testosterone for six months. I was hyperfixated on how other people viewed me and used plural pronouns. I had obsessive thoughts about my breasts being removed. I felt safe wearing mens clothes and of the idea society might view me as male.
I stopped testosterone because my body rejected it. I identified as non binary for several years after. I briefly had a girlfriend during that time and told her she was feminine and I was masculine because she had long hair and I had short hair.
When my girlfriend broke up with me I was told by family to try to be with a man. I am a lesbian and its awkward that people in older generations have space to claim that but I'm told I must be queer or else I'm transphobic. Then I'm also told I must be straight or else I am bad.
I started questioning my political views when I recognized the judgement that showed up in left wing circles. Previously I had adopted other peoples views because they were strong willed and I liked them. Then I let people believe I wholly agreed with them because I was scared of being judged or challenged by them with newly forming thoughts.
I have found space to engage and explore especially with Dr. Jordan Peterson's podcast. It has become paramount for me to hold space for differences in opinion and to prioritize community building over breaking down into echo chambers. I care about the global LGBT community, where people are at risk of violence and death.
I want women to know that they are not alone in this journey and that they can take their time to reflect on what feels best for their future.
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