For the first 27 years of my life, I felt innately like a boy/man. I knew something was wrong with my body. A unique body horror consumed me from a very young age. Nobody explained to me I was being raised as a girl, or that I had a rare disorder. I remember pleading for help at 4 years old, but even a doctor said there was nothing wrong with me.

At 14 years old I had an internal experience that felt like time had stopped. I heard a deep and infinite voice inside that said:

"if you do not do something about this, it's going to kill you."

This was the first time ANYBODY acknowledge my disorder. I started researching at the library- looking to find out what was wrong with me, and to find medical care on my own.

At 17 I was accepted into a youth housing program. This was a miracle. For the first time, my experiences of torture and hell were acknowledged. A combination of testosterone, physical therapy, exercise transformed my health.

After a decade, I started to change. New trauma put me into total nervous system shut down March '22 - March '23. I had no apatite, forgot the time and day, and wandered around in a haze. I would jokingly ask, "if I am a man in no man's land, what am I?"

On March 5th a radical spiritual experience cracked the shell and brought me out of nervous system shut down. When I closed my eyes, I was suddenly drawn into a geometric tunnel inside my own body. I sensed the space itself was alive. A deep energy structure in my body was broken down and restructured. After this experience, for a whole month I felt like a superhero. All of my pain was gone. My body was lightweight, strong, clear, vibrant, alive, refreshed. New ideas, feelings and images started coming into my mind.

I felt suddenly as if I was witnessing a woman's desires and life inside my head; I would have dreams about her. This began to take over and consume me, making me act more like her as if this woman was taking over my mind. I began to walk differently, more feminine; my mannerisms were changing. After these changes took place, I began detransition June of 2023. I do not suffer my body and I'm not horrified and struck with despair like I was all my life before. My healing journey was gradual over 14 years of transition and living as a man. I learned to work with the body I have. Growing up I thought I was trapped with no escape, but now I know that transgender suffering is not a life sentence.


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