My gender dysphoria began around the age of 10, not too long after finding videos on YouTube about transgender kids. I initially identified as a boy and I chose the name Lucas, though this didn't last very long because my mom rejected my gender identity. I think though that those feelings came from trying to escape the sexual abuse and grooming I experienced a year prior. It was directly related to my female body, and I wanted to escape being female as much as possible, and I did that through trying to be a boy.

This caused a lot of initial conflict in my family, but they eventually accepted it, and it went okay from then on. I jumped through a few different genders and names from then on, and finally settled on being a trans boy and my name was Nik.
Throughout my transition, I suffered so much. I self-harmed and considered suicide due to the dysphoria I was feeling. As I got older, I think part of this came from my developing body dysmorphia and eating disorder when I was 12. I think that although I identified as a boy, I never wanted to be a boy. I just didn't want to be me.

Around 16, I found Christianity. For the first time, I truly felt God speak to me. I became Orthodox not long after, and found my role in being female. God created me with such a beautiful gift, and I rejected the very essence of my being. Through prayer, I became more comfortable being female and settled into the role God ordained for me. My gender dysphoria started to fade after I began to heal from my traumas and lean more into my femininity, around mid 17 years old.

After hearing stories of detransitioners and desisters online, I found myself relating to them so much and finally decided to go back to identifying as a woman. I feel proud to be female. I used to hate that I could get pregnant or hate my period, and now those are things I look forward to and find gratefulness in. I feel very privileged to have not altered my body from my identity. I don't have any permanent regrets because of that and I am very lucky.

I hope that if there are any other girls out there who may be going through what I went through, that they see my story and don't have to go through all the suffering and hardship that my transition caused to me. I still go by the name Nik, and I think it much better represents me than my deadname, but I am definitely not a boy, and I am much happier being a woman, and I will be so proud to be a mother and a wife in the future (hopefully soon, fingers crossed).


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