Here is a new story that we have received. We’d like to thank the author for sharing her journey with us.
All female detransitioners wanting to contribute to Post Trans are welcome to send us their stories (around 300 words) via private message or via mail at the following address: email@example.com
After finishing high school (5 years ago) I was burnt out and directionless, things began to unravel, and at about that time I also admitted to myself that I was attracted exclusively to women (I am still having so much trouble with this). I cut off close friends and dropped sport (which had been my obsession). I was depressed and binge eating, and for a person who had been living in an underweight and sexless body until the age of 18, gaining weight was essentially like confronting puberty for the first time. I had never had to deal with breasts or excess flesh before. I experienced a similar sentiment to one described in this article:
“I have gained weight, but lost myself,” writes Nancy Tucker of her own recovery. “How can I explain that inside I remain an anorexic, but trapped in a fat suit?” How can one be seen as human being while looking like a woman? The anorexic must struggle with this conundrum...
How can one be seen as human being whilst looking like a woman?
Though I can only identify it retrospectively, this was my greatest existential conundrum for a time. I degraded myself. I felt such disgust for my female body and assumed others would too. I did not expect or feel deserving enough to be treated as human, and assumed others also saw little worth in me. I have considered how the shame of my sexuality may be linked to the shame of my female body. Maybe in a bi-directional way. Specifically: How can I be comfortable in my attraction to other female bodies when I dislike the way my own body appears and the implicit meanings ascribed to it (and vice-versa)? I still feel all of these things, but fortunately with less intensity.
I am still learning to like my body. It will never end! But I am getting better.