I felt like I was too ugly and socially awkward to ever be a female. I thought that me being a female was a disgusting thing and I was so ashamed of it. Transition was a way to escape that shame. I was more attractive as a male, and I felt less disgusted by my attraction to women. Me being male made sense in a way--I had masculine interests, I looked masculine, I was attracted to women.
I realized only after a while that transition wasn't the solution. I still felt ashamed of my attraction to women, but now in a different way. I felt predatory. I started feeling like a threat. I felt like a predatory lesbian before too, but my maleness made it worse. The harassment didn't stop. Now I wasn't too masculine anymore, but to feminine. I wish I could say detransition made me feel better but it really didn't. I feel ashamed of what I did. I feel like I completely destroyed my own body. I looked masculine for a women before but I passed as a woman. I don't look like a woman at all anymore and I don't sound like one either. I feel so much more ugly and so much more worthless. I ruined all the relationships that I had because I truly thought transitioning would make me happy, would make me right, and everyone who got in the way of that was also getting in the way of happiness so I had to cut them out.
The worst part is that I did this to myself. I don't have anyone else to blame. And that is really hard to live with.
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