German Version

I’m Elena Runner, a Seventh Day Adventist, a Russian Hebrew living in Germany and a reidentified woman. (You may already see how I got identity problems.)

As a child, I‘ve often been told I don’t look or act like a proper girl. Our SDA modesty added to the confusion: no jewelry, no make-up, almost GNC*. I played and fought with the boys, could not relate to the girls‘ talk about fashion and love.

I fell in love with boys all right - I just wished I’d be one, too. I told mom before I ever turned 12. By the age of 16 I told my male best friend/crush I should be a gay guy. A year later I told mom I’ve got a crush on my female best friend... We all had a good laugh. Being Adventist, you stay the way God made you and marry for life. It was the natural course I never questioned.

I remember being told I don’t look like a girl by bullies at school, over and over, and I believed it. I had dark hair everywhere and a lady ‘stache, dressed like Dr. House - and acted like a gentleman for any crush I had, guy or gal. Rumors that I must be lesbian went as far as making a straight girl who lost a bet try to seduce me. On the last day before graduation we had to crossdress for laughs – to me, wearing suit and tie felt like a revelation.

I’ve been in fandoms since 14 y.o. and seen my share of yaoi/slash, m/m content. I wish I hadn’t. The unrealistic m/m romance - created by women for women! – further distorted my understanding of gender and cemented my dysphoria. I couldn’t relate to my body and sexuality other than projecting them onto a male character. I started writing and drawing under a gender neutral nickname: Runner. In the 2010s it was generally popular to go by he/his online, but I never did, because I thought that was a lie, and lying would be a sin.

It wasn’t until 20 y.o. that I got out of my toxic environment and into university. A miracle, no less! There was a vibrant church right close to my place. Suddenly, there were good-hearted girls to look up to and real-life guys who were nothing like the media counterpart – or myself.

Thus, the change began. I never transitioned and still, my journey felt like transitioning back. Google searches for “how to be a woman” landed me on MtF** advice websites. I learned to present in a feminine way I’m comfortable with. I shed both my real name the way it was pronounced in school, and my gender-neutral nickname. I stopped, with varying success unto this very day, to consume and produce m/m (and later androcentric) content.

And ever until 2020 had I struggled describe my experience. Cis, nonbinary, genderfluid - I even tried to reclaim the mock “FtF“ flag. Then I found the detrans community. For that I am vastly thankful and gladly present my story to anyone whom it might help.

*Gender nonconforming
** Female to male

< Previous     Next >

This website and all its images are protected by copyright. Reproducing or distributing an image or part of an image in any form or manner is illegal. They may not be published without prior permission from the founders of Post Trans.