At the age of about 14, I gradually began to question my female gender. In retrospect, it strikes me that I always wanted to get away from something I hated, rather than actually wanting to get towards something. That makes a huge difference to me nowadays.
By the end of childhood I developed a strong rejection of everything feminine. I had a very negative, destructive image of womanhood. Now I have to say that I never had any traumatic experiences, but my environment showed me early on that there were things a boy could do, but a girl could not. Girls seemed to me to be helpless and weak. In addition, I was excluded at school because I was not girly. So at some point I decided: If I am such a strange girl, then I must be a boy.
This was followed by research in internet forums, exchanges with like-minded people and at some point even running away from home because I was not accepted in my identity. Although I never took hormone therapy or had surgery, I felt very confirmed in my male identity for years.
It was spring of 2018, when I was 19 years old that I could more and more be able to accept my female body and feminine side and learnt that women can be strong too. Of course, it took quite a while to accept this side and it was also only cautious and piecemeal, but I felt more like I was getting closer to myself when I approached my female identity. No more looking away and no more running away. Today, I am "just" a woman, and that's a good thing. Since then, my gender has only played a subordinate role in my life because I no longer believe that a changed gender could solve my problems. Only I can do that.
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