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Content warning: Eating disorders

I started to stop identifying as a woman five years ago, I had just come out (quite late) as a lesbian. I knew I was a lesbian at least three or four years before that, but I never was out as such.

As any lesbian feminist beginner, I didn’t feel entitled to refer to myself as such. So I focused my attention on theories that told me that I was someone exceptional, unique, who suffered from a particular oppression. Not like the other girls.

I arrived in the feminist scene right at the moment of the disidentificatory movements from the social class of ‘woman’. All sorts of non-binary genders and why not neurogenders, xenogenders? Everything was possible!

It was nice to believe in something else, thinking that I was not a lesbian, but “something else“. Something super special, far from those “mediocre lesbians“ who looked sideways at me…
On top of that, I had and still have a strong dysmorphophobia. I experience fatphobia, and… few shirts fit because of my breasts!

It didn’t take me long to start testosterone. First with the gel. A contact gave me two boxes of Testogel. It didn’t have much effect, so I stopped.

Then a peak of anorexia made me lose xx kilos in three months. I started the gel again thanks to other people, who happened to be more and more trans guys.

At that time, the main discourse on social media started to slip into something dangerous: disidentifying from the woman category meant being a trans guy, so a guy, a man…

So I thought I was a guy. I started testosterone injections with other trans guys. It’s very usual to see affinity groups of 5-6 people who start their transitions at the same time.

During my studies my partner took me to a private doctor who prescribes injectable testosterone very easily. No blood check, nothing. From there I had 2 years of treatment non stop.

Today, happy with my physical changes, I decided to stop my transition. 4 years on testosterone in total, including 2 years non-stop.

I’m slowly weaning off hormonal treatment, I shave my beard, lose some passing, and it’s fine by me. I’ve learned to live with my old surname and with being a Stone Butch lesbian.

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