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Content warning: Rape/Sexual assault

I'm a 25-year-old butch lesbian. I was socially out as a trans man for 6 years and medically transitioned for 3 years. I suffer from depression, PTSD*, dysphoria, and borderline as to which helped push my transition.

I was abused and raped by my first girlfriend after accepting I was a lesbian. I experienced homophobia from my family when I was younger. I experienced sexual harassment from men as well. It caused the dysphoria to manifest and I couldn't handle the abuse and homophobia so I found a way to cope with it the best I could.

I found the trans community as my outlet. It wasn't long before I was wrapped in and seemed to find a way to escape everything. After everything that happened, I didn't want to be a woman or lesbian any longer and wanted to escape those terms and become a new person.

When I went to see the doctor and therapists, it took one appointment to get the okay from them and I was on hormones within the month. I thought everything would be okay then until I realized that I wasn't getting happier on the hormones. The hormones caused me to get a hysterectomy. Caused high blood pressure. It was harming me more than helping.

I was so focused on passing that I was stressed out about it too. I wasn't doing this for me anymore. I was trying to prove to others I was a man more than anything else. I realized I could never actually be male and I couldn't try to escape any more. The escape was over.

I stopped hormones and got back on estrogen. After a year of thinking over my detransition process I finally did it. Now I'm reclaiming lesbian and butch and growing back into being the lesbian woman I always was.

*post-traumatic stress disorder

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