This is the story of a female desister with a history of anorexia. It is sometimes difficult to understand in what ways a condition such as an eating disorder interacts with one’s desire to transition. That’s why we believe it is important to share the complexity of our experiences. We’d like to thank the author of this text for sharing hers.
When i was 13 I started dieting and fasting. A lot of my issues were centered around my breasts and I heard that hating your breasts made you trans so i did a bit of research and decided i was ftm.
As my eating disorder got progressively worse I started cutting so my parents put me in therapy. I told my parents, friends, and therapist that i was trans because I thought it was e reason I hated myself. my friends and therapist agreed. My mom did not.
The doctors saw my unhealthy weight but they thought it was more pressing for me to transition. At the age of 15, I got a meeting with the gender therapist. The therapist said that when i was 16 I could start hormones.
My mom asked the specialist why me starving myself wasn’t a concern. She said a lot of trans kids do it before they transition. My mom asked me if I knew any HRT side affects. I looked them up. HRT makes you gain weight. That terrified me.
My mom said that she would not get me hormones and I felt relieved. This sent me into a spiral and slowly the whole thing fell apart.
I was still anorexic but, detransitioning allowed me to actually deal with it. I am thankful that I did not take hormones, but I still feel the aftershock of my social transition to this day.
Being trans caused people to affirm and allow my eating disorder to harm my mind and body under the guise of support and that gets to me from time to time. But I’m pretty happy and I have people who love me so I think I’ll be fine.